Anonymous Coward
Nov 3, 2026, 6:56 pm EST
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MAGA Asks God What Happened
📖 THE BOOK OF MAGALATIONS
Chapter 6: The Lord Hath Not Endorsed Thy Candidate
From the First Testament of the United States of America, Being an Account of the Great Republican Lamentation in the Year of Our Lord 2026.
1. And it came to pass, in the eleventh month of the year two thousand and twenty-six, that a great trembling fell upon the land of the Republicans.
2. For behold, the Democrats had taken the House of Representatives, and the Senate also; and the mighty red wave that had been promised unto the faithful had become a blue tsunami.
3. And there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth throughout the land of MAGA, from the golden towers of Mar-a-Lago unto the furthest reaches of Fox News.
4. And the prophets of the right were sorely confounded, for they had foretold a glorious victory, and had declared with great confidence that the Lord Himself would deliver Congress unto the Republicans.
5. Yea, even Mike Johnson, the Speaker of the House, had proclaimed unto the multitudes, saying, "This is a God thing!" And he had spoken of the intercessors who prayed upon the grounds of the Capitol, that the Lord might preserve the Republican majority.
6. Yet when the votes were counted, and the ballots were tallied, behold, the elephants had been trampled by the asses; and the humiliation thereof was exceedingly great.
7. And a certain man of MAGA, whose name was Jedediah of the Red Hat, rent his garments, which were made in China, and cast himself upon the ground before his television.
8. And Jedediah lifted up his voice toward heaven, crying, "O LORD! O LORD! WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN THE REPUBLICANS?"
9. "Did we not pray without ceasing? Did we not gather in churches and parking lots? Did we not blow our shofars upon the Capitol steps, and lay hands upon the voting machines?"
10. "Did not Thy servant Mike Johnson assure us that Thou wert upon our side? Did he not declare that this was a God thing? And did we not believe him, even as we believed the polls when they favored us, and declared them fraudulent when they did not?"
11. "Wherefore, O Lord, hast Thou delivered the House unto Hakeem Jeffries and the Senate unto the Democrats? What great wickedness have we committed that Thou shouldst permit such a calamity?"
12. And behold, the heavens opened, and a mighty voice thundered from above, saying:
13. "JEDEDIAH, SIT THYSELF DOWN. FOR WE MUST HAVE A CONVERSATION."
14. And Jedediah trembled exceedingly, saying, "Speak, Lord, for Thy servant heareth. But first, might I inquire whether this conversation shall be recorded by the deep state?"
15. And the Lord sighed, and the angels looked one upon another, for this was not the first time they had endured such foolishness.
16. And the Lord said, "Jedediah, who told thee that I was a Republican?"
17. And Jedediah answered, "Why, Lord, Mike Johnson told us! And Franklin Graham! And the television preachers! And the men who sell pillows!"
18. And the Lord said, "I AM THAT I AM. I am not THAT WHICH FOX NEWS SAYETH I AM."
19. "For behold, I created the heavens and the earth in six days, and on the seventh day I rested. Yet never once did I register as a Republican."
20. "Neither did I establish a political action committee, nor purchase advertisements in the swing states, nor command the angels to canvass the suburbs of Pennsylvania."
21. "But Lord!" cried Jedediah. "We were told that prayer would deliver us victory!"
22. And the Lord answered, "Prayer is not a substitute for governance, Jedediah. Neither is it a magical incantation by which thou mayest avoid accountability unto the people."
23. "Did I not give unto mankind the gift of free will? And did I not give unto the citizens of thy republic the right to cast their votes?"
24. "Wherefore, then, dost thou ask Me to overturn the will of the voters merely because thou likest not the result?"
25. And Jedediah answered, "But Lord, surely Thou wouldst not have the Democrats rule over us! For they are liberals, and some drive electric chariots, and many drink beverages made from oats!"
26. And the Lord replied, "I have endured the worship of golden calves, Jedediah. Thinkest thou that oat milk troubles Me?"
27. "But consider these things: When I commanded thee to feed the hungry, thou didst propose cutting their assistance."
28. "When I commanded thee to welcome the stranger, thou didst demand a wall."
29. "When I commanded thee to care for the sick, thou didst dispute over who should pay the physician."
30. "When I warned thee against bearing false witness, thou didst purchase a subscription to a conspiracy newsletter."
31. "And when I commanded thee to love thy neighbor as thyself, thou didst inquire whether thy neighbor was registered to vote as a Democrat."
32. And Jedediah was silent, for these things were difficult to answer, and no talking points had been provided unto him.
33. Then the Lord continued, saying, "And what of the golden idol whom thou hast followed? Didst thou not proclaim him chosen by Me, though his words were filled with boasting, and his heart with vengeance?"
34. "Didst thou not excuse his transgressions, saying, 'The Lord useth imperfect vessels,' while condemning thy neighbors for imperfections far smaller?"
35. And Jedediah answered, "But Lord, he promised to make America great again!"
36. And the Lord replied, "I commanded thee to make thyself righteous, not to purchase merchandise declaring thyself great."
37. "For I have searched the Scriptures, from Genesis unto Revelation, and nowhere have I commanded, 'Blessed are they who own the libs, for theirs shall be the electoral college.'"
38. "Neither have I said, 'Whatsoever ye do unto the least of these My brethren, make certain first that they possess the proper identification and have not crossed a border.'"
39. And Jedediah cried, "But what of Mike Johnson, O Lord? Surely Thou didst hear the intercessors praying upon the Capitol grounds!"
40. And the Lord answered, "Yea, Jedediah, I heard them. I heard every prayer."
41. "I heard them beseech Me to preserve their committee chairmanships, their congressional majorities, and their positions of worldly power."
42. "Yet how few beseeched Me for wisdom to govern justly, for courage to speak truth, or for compassion toward those who suffer."
43. "They prayed that their party might remain in power, but seldom asked whether they had used that power well."
44. "And when the Speaker declared, 'This is a God thing,' I looked down from My throne and said unto Gabriel, 'Since when?'"
45. And Gabriel replied, "Lord, shall I issue a clarification?"
46. But the Lord said, "Nay, Gabriel, for they will call it fake news."
47. Then Jedediah fell upon his knees and cried, "O Lord, if Thou hast not forsaken us, why didst Thou allow the Democrats to prevail?"
48. And the Lord answered, "Because, Jedediah, the voters were displeased. And in thy republic, this is traditionally how such displeasure is expressed."
49. "I gave thee the power to choose thy leaders, and thou didst choose them. I gave thy leaders the opportunity to govern, and they did govern. Then I permitted the people to judge their works."
50. "And behold, the people judged."
51. "But fear not," continued the Lord, "for the Democrats also shall be judged by their deeds. I am no respecter of political parties, and My commandments do not change when the majority changes hands."
52. "For the poor remain poor whether the chamber be red or blue, and the hungry remain hungry whether the Speaker be an elephant or an ass."
53. "And let this be known unto all who claim My endorsement: I am the Lord thy God, not the chairman of thy campaign committee."
54. "Thou shalt not confuse My kingdom with thy congressional district, nor My eternal covenant with thy party platform."
55. "And when thou prayest, seek not merely to win elections, but to become worthy of the trust of those whom thou wouldst govern."
56. Then Jedediah raised his eyes and said, "Lord, I begin to understand. Perhaps we have mistaken political victory for divine favor, and political defeat for divine abandonment."
57. And the Lord answered, "At last, Jedediah, thou hast spoken wisely."
58. And Jedediah said, "Then our defeat may be an opportunity for humility, repentance, and a renewed commitment to the common good?"
59. And the Lord said, "Yea, verily."
60. And there was silence in heaven, and the angels rejoiced, believing that understanding had finally entered the heart of Jedediah.
61. But after a little while, Jedediah looked again toward heaven and asked, "Lord, just one more thing."
62. And the Lord said, "What is it now, Jedediah?"
63. And Jedediah whispered, "Was the election rigged?"
64. And the Lord covered His face with His hands.
65. And Michael the Archangel turned unto Gabriel and said, "Shall we send another plague?"
66. And Gabriel replied, "Nay, brother. Have mercy. For they have already received the midterm results."
67. And the Lord spoke one final time, saying:
68. "JEDEDIAH, I DID NOT FORSAKE THE REPUBLICANS."
69. "THE REPUBLICANS FORSOOK THE VOTERS."
70. "AND I AM NOT OBLIGED TO FIX THEIR POLLING NUMBERS."
71. And behold, the heavens closed, the thunder ceased, and Jedediah sat alone before his television.
72. And upon the screen appeared Mike Johnson, declaring that the Republican defeat was part of God's mysterious plan, and that victory would surely come in the next election.
73. And Jedediah nodded solemnly, saying, "Amen. This is a God thing."
74. And from the heavens came a great and weary sigh, which shook the foundations of the earth.
75. And the Lord turned unto Gabriel and said, "Remind Me, how many years remain until the next election?"
76. And Gabriel answered, "Two, O Lord."
77. And the Lord said, "THEN LET THERE BE SILENCE."
78. But there was no silence.
79. For behold, an angel entered bearing an urgent message from the earthly realm, saying, "Lord, they have begun praying for the recount."
80. And the Lord wept.
Here Endeth the Sixth Chapter of MAGAlations.
Blessed are the humble, for they shall inherit the earth.
But the House and Senate shall be determined by the voters.
AMEN.
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